The Doctor Is In

Anonymous asked: first of all thanks for all of this, you're rad! i need some advice on a particular situation. i've known this person for quite some time and they're pretty rad, we share a lot of the same politics and we're both really comfortable around one another. we've messed around a couple of times, but have never really talked about anything pursuing anything more. recently they asked me out on a date, and we are discussing what this actually means (totally great at practicing consent and talking

There are a few things to consider here to help inform yr decision:

• When you like being around someone or think they’re cute, it’s really, really easy to overlook their flaws. How long has this person been dealing with/addressing these “issues” and have they been a persistent problem in their relationships with other partners before? Do they consistently rely on your (or others’) support to confront and tackle them? Are you being real with yrself about this person’s potentially negative qualities or did you forget to take off yr Crush Goggles?
• The ending of this person’s past relationship more than likely has nothing to do with their character, and more to do with the dynamic of those two people together, unless there was any instances of abuse or violence between them which absolutely should not go un-talked-about, especially if some sort of accountability process hasn’t taken place.
• Going on a date doesn’t mean you have to jump into a serious relationship! This sounds like something you’ve been considering for a good while, and going out with this person totally could turn into the first step in a committed relationship but it could also be treated really casually and end up with you two remaining friends. It’s awesome that yr able to have really open communication about what that will look like and how it will go down, that’s a really cool and important quality to have with anyone in yr life.
• If this is someone that you feel really comfortable around in a place where you aren’t, the strength of a trusted friendship with them could be more of what you are looking for with them. In the long run, what kind of mutual support are you looking for from them?

 It’s my opinion that you should go on the date if you both agree that there will be no preconceived agreements about what yr relationship will look like afterwards, and then give this person a while to keep working on their mental health; it’s difficult to focus on starting a new romantic relationship with someone if yr still figuring out who you are. You might either find that yr attracted to them for the same reasons you’ve been attracted to folks with these issues in the past, or that they are a person you want to be with regardless. Keep fooling around with them occasionally if it feels good for both of you but be conscious of stepping on the breaks if the romance side of yr relationship is going too quickly. You can always talk about a second date when it feels healthy for both of you, and if you find that it won’t be or that they are putting alot of pressure for support on you, then c’est la vie. 

Anonymous asked: HEY!!!!!!! Please help me. My boyfriend wants to try new things.... NEW things. Things i've never even heard of. He said something about suspensional pleasure.. ever heard of it? anyways, he left this thing by my bed yesterday morning and it was a bunch of marble sized beads connected by a thin string. he told me i would like it and that we should try it. I'm so confused!

The toy yr boyfriend left by yr bed are called Anal Beads (pictured above). They can be used on female & male bodies and are generally inserted in the anus starting with the smaller beads. They should be smooth and round so nothing gets torn, and they’re a good way to start  exploring ass play.

There are tons of different ways to try suspension and bondage play; this entails one partner hung, tied, or suspended from a higher point or ceiling. If its something you think yr interested in, work out with your partner which role you are interested in playing, where and how you or they will be suspended, and what will happen once that is secured. This kind of play can be extremely dangerous if yr wires or ropes aren’t secured correctly, if there aren’t safe words designated, and if it’s executed hastily and without regard for safety and consent.

I cannot fucking stress this enough; COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER. If he’s interested in trying these things with you, you both need to sit down and flesh out what you are comfortable with, how you want to go about exploring new things in bed, and if you are ready to explore those things at all. Especially with BDSM and suspensional pleasure/play, there are a thousand different things that could go wrong if you aren’t totally open and communicative about what those things are and how you are going to go about changing the boundaries of your sex life. To me, it sounds like there is a huge consent issue here that needs to be addressed and that yr partner is not being respectful of the way you feel about the sex yr having and how you go about addressing it. Before you even consider “trying new things” with this person sexually, you both need to seriously address the way that you discuss those things and who is consenting to what in your relationship as a whole.

Anonymous asked: hey doc, long time listener - first time caller. So, long story short I took a long term (2+ years) self imposed (for both great and awful reasons) sabbatical from relationships, and most physical intimacy in general. I now am interested in a total babe who I've been having some serious hang time with including a recent rad first date. My problem is that I'm totally insecure about trying to hang out too often and proposing to take things further. What's your advice on reading that sort of s

It’s probably super easy for you to feel self conscious right now, and that is totally ok; if you haven’t been intimate with someone for a long time it can be really difficult to gauge if they are on the same page as you. But if this person is a total babe, chances are they are wanting to hang with you because YOU are a total babe. My best advice for you is to take ownership of yr babely-ness; know that the burden of wooing is not totally on you and they have a responsibility to recognize how awesome it is that you are giving them a shot after such a long break from romantic endeavors.

Take the reins and initiate contact with them; start off maybe every other day or so, and if that contact is reciprocated, bump it up to however often you’d like.  I would let them know a little bit of where yr coming from, and that you are ready and excited to hop on the date-train once again, so they know that yr feeling a little nervous about the pace at which things could develop. Go on a walk with them and ask to hold their hand, watch a movie together and ask if you can give ‘em a smooch on their way out, or if they’d like to stay & smooch a while. 

Perhaps most importantly, change yr hair color or style, if only just a little bit. Major confidence booster.

Anonymous asked: I hooked up with a guy at a party. by hooked up i mean, we kind of just laid together for a while and i have him some amazing head. i didn't really want reciprocation since id already banged someone else that night. now he's texting me asking if we can hang out and he seems actually interested in my life. but do you think he could just want some more free bjs? is it possible to start something real from a one-nighter?

I think it’s totally possible. My question is do you actually like this guy? If he hadn’t followed up would you have given him a second thought? If yes, try hanging out with a him and group of people. If he treats you like a friend and you have some real fun with him, you two have a real shot.

Anonymous asked: This is a follow up to the question about the guy I work with (yes, I'm the make out virgin). I asked him to hang out & he said he was too busy & since I'm not 21, I couldn't go to bars with him. I ignored him for 2 weeks & he asked me to go bowling. Problem: how do I know if he's into me & not just tryna be my friend?

Sounds like yr in the friend zone….sorry babe! Regardless, I would go bowling with him because bowling is the most fun ever, and if he asks you to get coffee with him afterwards, he’s trying to seal the deal. If not,  you made a new bowling friend. 

**crucial**: if he does not pick the perfect song on the juke box at the bowling alley, he’s not worth it.

a couple of things:

• i keep getting questions that are either jokes, trolls, or pretty offensive. from here on in i’m just going to answer them straight forward, unless i think they’re triggering
• i haven’t been answering any questions recently because my heart has been a little broken, but i’ll start hacking away at my queue in the coming days
• any suggestions for what this blog should look like or how it should change or feedback on the things i’m saying are really appreciated
• no, i will probably not go see “The Cabin in the Woods” with you

Anonymous asked: My ex boyfriend and I had a really intense 3 year long insane relationship that I could go on and on about. He broke up with me in June, we haven't hung out since October, and we haven't spoken since a couple of days before new years day. I find that I have come to a point where I can live a life without him and I'm happy, but I still miss him daily, hope that one day he'll realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life, and want me back - Is this hindering? What the hell do I do?

You two broke up for a reason and if you start playing this make-up-break-up game with him yr relationship could turn into some sort of addiction, and that just frankly isn’t fun. Isn’t that what being with someone is supposed to feel like? Sex & The City states that it takes exactly half the time of the tenure of a relationship to get over that person and I think that’s a pretty good rule of thumb. It will eventually hurt alot less but holding onto the idea that one day he is going to come around and when that happens everything will magically be better is just dangerous and painful. It sounds like you’ve been taking some time to figure out who you are independent of this dude, which is really important after getting out of a long term relationship, but when you’re ready to start seeing other people, really avoid approaching a new relationship with this guy in the back of yr mind as some sort of future possible partner; that’s not fair to anyone involved and will soon be really confusing for you.

Anonymous asked: part 1: Me & an okc boy went on a perfect 1st date two weeks ago that ended with a solid romp in the sack. we ran off for spring break, and I didn't hear anything from him. I texted him with no response (assumed he just didnt want to see me again) and drunkenly sent a "hey whats up" a week later. That night we fucked again, I slept over, &he seemed fairly romantic. I texted him a question later that day to no response. Clearly he doesn't want to be with me...

It sounds like you already have what you want from this dude. He sounds pretty shitty at communicating via phone so next time you hang out tell him what yr feelings are about relationships with folks before you hop into bed. If he reacts in a negative way you might not want to sleep with him anymore and call it a day, but honestly he wouldn’t be hanging out with you if he didn’t want to see you at least part of the time.

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Anonymous asked: I haven't gotten laid since June, 2011. Am I legally dead?

I guarantee you are not although it probably feels that way. Hope you smang it soon.

Anonymous asked: I really like this guy I work with (I'm a female btw). I confessed one night via drunken text that I had a crush on him, he only said that we should hang out more so we can get to know each other. I've never even made out with anyone and I'm 20! He knows I'm a virgin. How should I go about furthering this possible hook up or relationship. I mean, I work with the kid do I don't want to do anything too ridiculous to make work awkward. How do I know he would want to even hang out together 1 on 1?!

Well, I don’t think you should shit where you eat but if yr crushing, yr crushing. Ask if he wants to hang out in a space that is completely unattached to work; nothing like waiting til you’re both off your shift to get a drink or having lunch on your break. If he agrees you’ll know he wants to hang. Also you should hop on the make out train cause its so awesome.

Anonymous asked: Hi! I reaaaally need advice.. I'm in a big pickle this time, or should I say, it's in me. So, my boyfriend and I have been using food during our time in the bed room and I think I used something too big for him. He can't even get out of bed because he says he's, "hurt" youch! help :(!

I’m not exactly sure if you’re saying that some sort of phallic vegetable is stuck or “lost” inside yr boyfriend’s asshole or that he’s just in a lot of pain after food/ass play.

If the former, try squatting and pushing to try and let it come out itself. If it doesn’t work the first time let nature take its course and try again in a few hours; rock back and forth while yr squatting to loosen up. Whatever you do, don’t try and reach up there to grab it (there’s a very real chance you will push it up farther) or give yrself an enema (this will just build up unnecessary and extremely painful pressure). When using insertables, always make sure yr toys have a string or large flange attached to prevent this sort of thing because it happens all the time and very easily. 

For the latter, its possible that a few things have happened. This toy could have resulted in a prolapse, in which case the rectum is visible outside of the body. You can remedy this by literally pushing it back in, carefully, as you would with a dog. Use a lubricant and clean gloves; there will be some swelling most likely which you should treat with ice. It’s also possible that the anus could have been torn or cut, in which case i would just sit in a warm bath a few times a day and try eating softer foods to make shitting less painful for you, which should go away in a few days. Anal fissures take about two weeks to fully heal so just be careful of them and definitely lay off the assplay for a while.